How To Come Out To Your Parents
Telling your parents that you're gay can be intimidating. Who knows how they'll react? If you're trying to figure out how and when to break your big news, you might find the advice in this film helpful. The advice will tell you the best methods to come out to your parents.Dating someone that is in the closet
Step 1: Preparing
Decide whether you want to come out to your parents and when would be the best time.
Think about any times when homosexuality might have come up in conversation or on TV and what has their reaction been to this? Have they got any gay/lesbian friends/relatives or work colleagues and how do they feel about them?
But remember that their reaction to their own child coming out is very unpredictable. However long you have been coming to terms with this information about your sexuality, it may well come as a shock and disappointment to your parents.
Even seemingly liberal parents can react very badly. They may have difficulty accepting it, as they think being gay/lesbian is a difficult lifestyle, they may have had less access to knowing gay people and to the diversity of the LGBT community and so have some quite old fashioned ideas about what it means to be lesbian or a gay.
Also consider your own safety. Don't come out if you feel that doing so may place you in any kind of danger. If you think you might be physically attacked for coming out, or thrown out of your parents home with nowhere to go, then this is probably not the best time to come out. If you are close to a brother or sister, you might want to seek their support first.
Step 2: Coming out face to face
The advantage of telling your parents face-to-face that you are gay is that it will open a dialogue on the subject and you will be able to answer your parents' many questions. Break the news to your parents in a safe, comfortable environment like at home, rather than in a public place. Think about whether you want to tell your parents both at the same time or individually, but remember that keeping the news from one parent for a significant time could be seen as divisive. If your parents take the news badly, try not to get defiant or angry. Try to remain calm and avoid making a big scene. Explain to your parents that you are still the same person you have always been, but you are now just revealing another part of your life.
Step 3: Coming out by letter
In some cases it's better to come out by letter, email or phone. The benefit of this method is that it gives you a chance to explain things fully and also for them to have the opportunity to react to the news in private and in their own time. This method might also be appropriate if you think your parents will react badly to the news, or if you think they might become abusive. It will give your parents time to 'cool down' before a face-to-face meeting. But remember that some parents will prefer to be told face-to-face rather than by letter, as they may see it as a more personal way to deal with such important news.
Step 4: After you have come out
After you have told your parents that you are gay, you will probably want to tell other family members who don't know. It's important to keep discussion about your homosexuality going, but it shouldn't be forced. Discuss it as much as straight members of the family discuss their heterosexuality. Talk about it as just one significant part of your life, and introduce your family to your gay friends and partners, just the same as your straight siblings would. Remember that if your homosexuality is never mentioned again after you come out, then your parents may go back into denial and pretend that you are not gay. If your coming out went badly, then you may find talking to a therapist to be helpful. PACE in London, runs a Family Support project, and their are also parent support groups around the USA.
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Dating Someone in the Closet
My cousin has been dating his partner for over two years. He has allowed himself to fall in love with him, but the problem is that he is not out in the open yet. They are best friends, soul mates, and everything he could have asked for. But the problem is, he keeps on denying he is gay. He keeps on telling my cousin that he is the one and that he just need to hang in there for him. How long does he wait?
In my opinion, If you want to build a relationship with this guy then you'll need to take a small step back and shut off your heart for a brief moment. Be clear about your expectations for this relationship, first to yourself and then to him. Be open and firm about these expectations. Even if you're not in the same place as far as your openness is concerned, you can still get on the same page with the progress of the relationship. So, communicate how long you're willing to deal with this. You'll also need to make sure he has the same vision for your future together. If not, then he'll continue on the same path.
You don't have to give him an ultimatum or an expiration date for your friendship, but you should let him know that your current situation isn't an indefinite contract. You can support him, while adhering to your own limits. And only you know if he's worth the time and patience it will take to get through this. You two are in this together. He needs to know that. With some communication and a few actions by him, you can begin to move forward—if that is indeed what he's willing to do.
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by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist
If you were to think about the present state of your relationship (or a point in time in a past relationship) as a mood, how would you describe the mood of your relationship?
The mood of your relationship is not how you feel about your relationship, but the unique combination of both people's feelings, reactions, beliefs, perceptions, thoughts about themselves, each other, and their circumstances coming together to form a mood. The mood of a relationship can usually be felt by people close to the couple as well as by the couple themselves. Some relationships have an undercurrent of irritability, and other relationships feel sad. Some relationships are emotional roller coasters, while others are shut down or numb.
Thinking about a relationship in terms of mood is helpful for many reasons. For one, it takes the focus and the tendency to blame off of the individuals -- the mood arises from both people. It also externalizes the problem -- the mood is about the relationship, not the individuals. And it offers direction -- there are ways to address moods.
Thinking about the mood of your relationship encourages you to step back and look at your relationship as a whole rather than getting caught up in the details of arguments and with who said what.
The first step is to identify the mood of your relationship. How does your relationship feel to you, not how do you feel about your relationship but how do the combined interactions between you feel? Do they feel hostile, irritable, hesitant, sad, closed, shut down? Can the two of you agree on how the relationship is feeling right now? Usually couples find that this is one area they can agree on.
Just as we need to find ways to express, comfort, release and shift out of our own moods or feelings, we need to do the same with the moods of our relationship. Different things work at different times and with different couples. You will need to find what works for you.
If your relationship is sad, you may need to acknowledge that to one another and simply hold each other. Being sad together and comforting one another will help prevent that sadness being blamed on one another. Rather than being sad about each other, you are sad together. By acknowledging how the relationship feels and expressing and/or comforting that mood, something will shift.
If your relationship feels shut down or numb, you'll want to bring some emotion into it. As a starting place, you could state your feelings. If your relationship feels irritable, you may want to tune into your love for your partner and approach her/him with love. If your relationship feels sad, you may want to think about all the things you appreciate and enjoy about your partner and let them know those things. If you're hesitant with one another, you'll want to approach your partner with an open mind.
If your relationship is in a funk either or both partners can choose to shift the mood by changing something. You may choose to interact with your partner with a different expectation or belief. You may choose to articulate more of what you are thinking, in a positive way. You may want to suggest an activity that you both enjoy. Any change in your routine of behaviour, attitude, tone and emotional expectations will have an impact on the mood of your relationship.
Just as it's important to look at the whole of your relationship, it's important to look at the whole of your circumstances. Maybe your relationship is irritable or sad because one or both of you aren't being treated well at work. Maybe you are having financial difficulties; or your families are not supportive; or one of you is dealing with abuse memories, or is otherwise going through a hard time, and it's coming out on the relationship. Maybe the relationship isn't the issue but something else is. It's important to acknowledge whatever is affecting the relationship and find ways to comfort each other. When one person in a relationship is having a hard time, both people need comfort because it impacts on both people.
Maybe you feel good about your partner but, for some inexplicable reason, when you get together, you begin to feel sad or angry. While there may be things within the relationship that make you feel sad or angry and you need to have those things addressed, it is also possible that you are used to being sad or angry in each others' company, or have gotten stuck in that mood, and need an alternative way of addressing your issues other than directly talking about them (even though that can be very helpful.) Even when there are issues in a relationship that need to be addressed directly, tuning into the mood of the relationship -- your relationship's pattern of expectations, feelings, beliefs, reactions, etc. -- and looking for ways to address the mood can help shift some of those problem areas. Simply sitting, without judgment, with the mood of your relationship -- and not fighting it -- can be just as important as talking through your problems.
Relationships tap into our deepest feelings and insecurities, and it is no wonder that they often present us with our biggest challenges in life. Taking a different look at your relationship -- assessing its mood -- can help with finding new ways to address problem areas. Just as you have learned to honor and address your feelings, you can honor and address the moods of your relationship as well. Ideally partners will do this together, but change can happen even if only one person makes a change. What can you do to help shift the mood of your relationship? Change is always possible.
My cousin has been dating his partner for over two years. He has allowed himself to fall in love with him, but the problem is that he is not out in the open yet. They are best friends, soul mates, and everything he could have asked for. But the problem is, he keeps on denying he is gay. He keeps on telling my cousin that he is the one and that he just need to hang in there for him. How long does he wait?
You don't have to give him an ultimatum or an expiration date for your friendship, but you should let him know that your current situation isn't an indefinite contract. You can support him, while adhering to your own limits. And only you know if he's worth the time and patience it will take to get through this. You two are in this together. He needs to know that. With some communication and a few actions by him, you can begin to move forward—if that is indeed what he's willing to do.
_____________________________________________________________
What Is The Mood Of Your Relationship?
by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist
If you were to think about the present state of your relationship (or a point in time in a past relationship) as a mood, how would you describe the mood of your relationship?
The mood of your relationship is not how you feel about your relationship, but the unique combination of both people's feelings, reactions, beliefs, perceptions, thoughts about themselves, each other, and their circumstances coming together to form a mood. The mood of a relationship can usually be felt by people close to the couple as well as by the couple themselves. Some relationships have an undercurrent of irritability, and other relationships feel sad. Some relationships are emotional roller coasters, while others are shut down or numb.
Thinking about a relationship in terms of mood is helpful for many reasons. For one, it takes the focus and the tendency to blame off of the individuals -- the mood arises from both people. It also externalizes the problem -- the mood is about the relationship, not the individuals. And it offers direction -- there are ways to address moods.
Thinking about the mood of your relationship encourages you to step back and look at your relationship as a whole rather than getting caught up in the details of arguments and with who said what.
The first step is to identify the mood of your relationship. How does your relationship feel to you, not how do you feel about your relationship but how do the combined interactions between you feel? Do they feel hostile, irritable, hesitant, sad, closed, shut down? Can the two of you agree on how the relationship is feeling right now? Usually couples find that this is one area they can agree on.
Just as we need to find ways to express, comfort, release and shift out of our own moods or feelings, we need to do the same with the moods of our relationship. Different things work at different times and with different couples. You will need to find what works for you.
If your relationship is sad, you may need to acknowledge that to one another and simply hold each other. Being sad together and comforting one another will help prevent that sadness being blamed on one another. Rather than being sad about each other, you are sad together. By acknowledging how the relationship feels and expressing and/or comforting that mood, something will shift.
If your relationship feels shut down or numb, you'll want to bring some emotion into it. As a starting place, you could state your feelings. If your relationship feels irritable, you may want to tune into your love for your partner and approach her/him with love. If your relationship feels sad, you may want to think about all the things you appreciate and enjoy about your partner and let them know those things. If you're hesitant with one another, you'll want to approach your partner with an open mind.
If your relationship is in a funk either or both partners can choose to shift the mood by changing something. You may choose to interact with your partner with a different expectation or belief. You may choose to articulate more of what you are thinking, in a positive way. You may want to suggest an activity that you both enjoy. Any change in your routine of behaviour, attitude, tone and emotional expectations will have an impact on the mood of your relationship.
Just as it's important to look at the whole of your relationship, it's important to look at the whole of your circumstances. Maybe your relationship is irritable or sad because one or both of you aren't being treated well at work. Maybe you are having financial difficulties; or your families are not supportive; or one of you is dealing with abuse memories, or is otherwise going through a hard time, and it's coming out on the relationship. Maybe the relationship isn't the issue but something else is. It's important to acknowledge whatever is affecting the relationship and find ways to comfort each other. When one person in a relationship is having a hard time, both people need comfort because it impacts on both people.
Maybe you feel good about your partner but, for some inexplicable reason, when you get together, you begin to feel sad or angry. While there may be things within the relationship that make you feel sad or angry and you need to have those things addressed, it is also possible that you are used to being sad or angry in each others' company, or have gotten stuck in that mood, and need an alternative way of addressing your issues other than directly talking about them (even though that can be very helpful.) Even when there are issues in a relationship that need to be addressed directly, tuning into the mood of the relationship -- your relationship's pattern of expectations, feelings, beliefs, reactions, etc. -- and looking for ways to address the mood can help shift some of those problem areas. Simply sitting, without judgment, with the mood of your relationship -- and not fighting it -- can be just as important as talking through your problems.
Relationships tap into our deepest feelings and insecurities, and it is no wonder that they often present us with our biggest challenges in life. Taking a different look at your relationship -- assessing its mood -- can help with finding new ways to address problem areas. Just as you have learned to honor and address your feelings, you can honor and address the moods of your relationship as well. Ideally partners will do this together, but change can happen even if only one person makes a change. What can you do to help shift the mood of your relationship? Change is always possible.
